Trust The Process

I’ve got 50 subscribers…how? Why? I haven’t posted in ages! I’ve literally been the epitome of an “absent parent”…

Yet here I am…with 50 subscribers!

That was my goal, when I started this blog I so desperately wanted to reach 50 people, and somehow whilst refusing to pen my thoughts…I got there!

This isn’t a “blow my own horn” scenario…even though it would be more of a “my brother” situation since he was the person contributing to this page the most. This is simply a recognition of how the universe works…whatever is meant to happen…will happen with or without your theatrics…furthermore…whatever you put out into the universe…you’ll receive it…

The timing just depends on how badly you want it…

This notification popped up onto my screen a few minutes post massive melt down…I’m not talking about a few tears…I mean Kim Kardashian laying it on thick for the camera tears!

Have I used this before?

It wasn’t my first one this week, and in the spirit of being honest, it probably won’t be my last one (for the day). My anxiety has been living like it’s lockdown has just been revoked and it has been partying it up Miami style! I’ve never been to Miami…but I watch TV!

Today’s panic attack, I realized after introspection, was because Fathers Day is making a turn soon…whoopdy doo….everyone gets to celebrate their daddies…or complain about how they have to waste money yet again…or grumble about how they hate him and haven’t spoken to him in months…

I don’t get to participate in any of the above options. I don’t get to buy a “worlds best dad” mug (which after 6 years out in the real world I can conclude with certainty, he was), I don’t get to buy the stupid tie with some hideous design on it and I certainly don’t get to have the Sunday mishmash of “lunch”.

I don’t think that’s what really bothers me though…I mean…it’s like Valentines Day…it’s just never going to be what you’ve dreamed it should be…eventually you stop caring…and become like the lazy and grumpy people who say “it’s just another day.”

Truthfully, I think it’s because I’ve realized that it’s time to let go. Daddy can’t save you, nor should he. I looked into the mirror today and saw my extra dark circles drooping down and my bottom lid pulled it down to my lips, where my new cry line pulled it to the side to look like an upside down Joker face.

I didn’t cry because my age was upon me (although I may do that tomorrow), I cried because I looked at the wreck of a woman staring back at me and how much I’ve put her through! The hell I’ve casually walked her into…causing these stress lines and bags from a lack of sleep with these scars and tattoos…

I took daddies little princess and turned her into some failing version of a WWF female wrestler gone wrong! Even more wrong! What right did I have? How disappointed he would be?

Then I remembered (after drying my skin out even further with the crocodile tears of course)…that while my dad was many things…he was never a judgmental ass who poked at peoples weaknesses…instead…he would probably buy me a new pair of shoes and congratulate me on living like the warrior princess he raised.

Maybe that’s just what I’m telling myself.

Either way…I’ve come full circle…from anxious, depressed and self-loathing…to grateful…anxious and only mildly depressed…all because I saw a 50th subscriber.

Life is like that…even when it’s pouring…you can still find shelter…and I love that about life.